against the brick wall…

i can hear the floors creak in the row home next door. an old woman lives there and i wonder how she spends all of her time. i see her sitting on her doorstep very often and she always looks like she is waiting for something to happen.

i wonder if i will ever feel like time is slow enough to just sit and wait. right now, the universe is moving too fast. and i just wish i could stand still for just a moment in time and take everything in. i like to be alone a lot. the air feels like a whisper. the quiet house i used to share, it whispers. and i waste my time.

tonight, i thought about the fact that every time i think about a girl i’ve felt something for, i think about the fact that someone else will feel something for her, and she will feel something for them, and forget our moments. and never miss them, like i do. and i think about how i will always feel the essence of her everytime i hear her name. and i wonder if she ever felt it that much, too. it makes me sick to think about. because it means i gave myself away. and somehow, i always end up defeated. i guess everyone does, in a way.

see, the burning i have is really because people only ever let you in so far before they get weird. i would like to consume someone. and for them to consume me, wholly. every part of you & me. i want to feel everything. beyond consciousness, i want to know you.

this is the burning. no one lets you know them. and how complicated they really are.

so i put my face against the brick wall, and listen to her waiting, just to pass the time.

things you should know about me:

if i”m alone here, i sleep with the light on at night. and the television. and it’s most likely playing sleepless in seattle. or some other romantic comedy. i hate romantic comedies. and i wake up all through the night.

but never on time in the morning.

i’ve become really interested in keeping a good home. and home improvement. i mean, not that i’ve done anything all that outstanding. but i’d like to. i’d like to feel comfortable, for once.

i’d also like to start taking photographs again. and printing them in a makeshift darkroom in the basement.

i started this because i’ve kept a journal since i was about twelve years old, but this makes me feel less lonely.